A Little Naval Humor

A crusty old Chief found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a
local (strictly women's) liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached
the Chief for conversation.

She said, "Excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Are
you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?"

"No," the Chief said, "just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

The Chief's short reply was, "Yep, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little - relax and enjoy yourself."

The Chief just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The chief continued to stare at her and replied, "1955."

She said, "Well, there you go; you really need to chill out and quit
taking everything so seriously - I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little

The Chief, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh,
I don't know. It's only 2130 now!"

A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before
Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, "Come right in,
Admiral! You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!"

The admiral looked through the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter,
"Just one thing, sonny. I hope there are no Chiefs here. They are the rudest,
most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm
not going in; I'd rather go to the other place."

"Don't worry, admiral," said Saint Peter. "No Chief has ever made it
into Heaven. You'll find none of 'em here."

So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an
amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in khakis, garrison cap cocked slightly
on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, and a
beautiful woman on either arm.

Incensed, the admiral rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face.
"Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here! So what the hell is THAT?!?"

"Don't worry, admiral," says Saint Peter gently.

"That's God. He just THINKS he's a Chief."

A young Navy Officer was in a car accident, but due to the heroics of
another young officer the only permanent injury was to both ears, which
subsequently were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he
remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. He remained, however,
very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the new Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the
Command Master Chief position. The first Master Chief was a Surface warfare type
and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked
him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The Surface Warfare Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but
notice you have no ears."

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his

When asked the Aviation Master Chief also replied, "Well yes. You
have no ears." The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Seabee Master Chief. He was articulate,
extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two Master
Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same
question, "Do you notice anything differently about me?"

To his surprise the Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly observant Master Chief, and
he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that?", the Admiral asked.

The Seabee Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fuckin ears."

Three men; a philosopher, a mathematician and a Chief Petty Officer, were
out riding in a bus, coming home from scout summer camp when it crashed
into a tree.

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing
before the Pearly Gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing

"Gentlemen", the Devil said, "due to the fact that Heaven is now
overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering
Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer,
then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive
report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper
appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.

Then, With another snap of the Devil's finger, the philosopher disappeared
(Went to Hell).

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated crypto
formula you can ever think of that could never be deciphered!" With a snap of
his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The
mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed the code was unbreakable.

Then, with another snap of the Devil's finger, the mathematician disappeared, also went to hell.

The Chief Petty Officer then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."

The Devil did just that. The Chief then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out of?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "the third hole from the right." "Wrong,
said the chief, it came out of my asshole."

And the Chief went to Heaven...

A Petty Officer Second Class, First Class and a Chief are off the ship
together for lunch. While crossing a park they come upon an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first!" says the Petty Officer Second Class. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, a beautiful woman at my side and not a care in the world."

Poof! He's gone.

"Me next!" says the First Class. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and a
beautiful woman." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the Chief.

The Chief says, "I want those two back on the ship right after lunch."

At a command picnic a bunch of officers are standing around talking. A
LT said, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

A CDR responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work
than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Then a CAPT says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than
that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."

They are all contemplating the conversation when a Chief walks by. The
officers call the Chief over to ask his opinion. The CAPT says, "Chief,
we are having a discussion and would like your input. The LT says that
making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The CDR says that making love is 60% fun and
40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. What is your opinion?"

The Chief says, "Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun
because if there was any work involved, you would have a Chief doing it for you!"


A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."

A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."

An Ensign saying, "Based on my experience..."

A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."

A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

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